Laying in bed naked trying to rhyme,
eyes closing, running out of time.
Writing helps keep my sanity,
not sorry about my profanity.
Hard to write while falling asleep,
voices in my head, I just can’t keep.
Must write them down, before I forget,
wishing I had a built in cassette.
Just imagine playing back a dream,
wet ones always lead to some cream.
Eyes closing with every written word,
vision getting more and more blurred.
Can’t even read the words on my paper,
the air in the room is turning into vapor.
Does any of this make any sense,
how I love the smell of good incense.
Smoking a cigarette to stay awake,
feels like I’m being chocked by a snake.
I like pina coladas and dancing in the rain,
that’s the song stuck in my tiny brain.
Come with me and lets plan our escape,
wine comes from squashing a grape.
My head wants to hit the pillow,
I can swear, I just saw an armadillo.
My mind is starting to play tricks,
why is red the color of bricks.
Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead,
Mr. Flintstone’s first name was Fred.
Still finishing my last beer,
all the letters are starting to smear.
My sleeping girlfriend, knocked over the ash tray,
now the blanket has turned grey.
Never slept with a girl that moved around so much,
but damn she has one hell of a touch.
Its getting hard to see straight,
maybe I should get someone to dictate.
I think its time to finish,
my sight is beginning to diminish.
Hard to keep my eyes open,
in time I will become frozen.
Goodnight to all my family and friends,
all the ink has run out of all my pens.

Sparks flying through the sky,
people watching and wondering why.
As they fall to the ground,
people scatter all around.
What caused this outer space blast,
so many questions to be asked.
Could it be a star collision,
everyone was indecision.
Looked like the forth of July,
all we needed was some apple pie.
Through the sparks, there was a vision,
time to make a quick decision.
run for cover or stay and watch,
ran to the house and grabbed some scotch.
Had a shot or two, maybe even three,
dulling the pain of all this falling debris.
Everything around was starting to burn,
you could feel the panic and concern.
What has happened to our peaceful little town,
can’t describe this with a verb or a noun.
Fires raging out of control,
nothing else to do but smoke a bowl.
You could hear the sirens of hundreds of fire trucks,
man this thing happening really fucking sucks.
took out my old radio to hear the news,
not one of them had any leads or clues.
So much death, so much destruction,
if I survive, I want a major tax deduction.
Then in an instant the sparks were gone,
all the fires were controlled by dawn.
A phenomenon, no one could explain,
good thing, I still had that gram of cocaine.
A town destroyed, but i didn’t care,
drunk, stoned and wired, helped me to prepare.
Half the town was destroyed and dead,
not one tear, I did shed.
Not worth even complaining,
my insurance policy, I will soon be gaining.
Would have safer living in the hood,
as a matter of fact, moving there I should.
My first night there, I was shot and killed,
right in the head, I got drilled.
Life is an unsolvable mystery,
now my life has become history.
Oh in case you were wondering, 
a U.F.O. crashed into a space shuttle,
its the truth, even though it sounds very subtle.

Inside a darkened room,
lives fear and constant doom.
Without a switch for a light,
the Grim Reaper, I must now fight.
For five years, been in this coma,
why did I ever move to Oklahoma.
Had myself a major car crash,
my family is running out of cash.
Maybe its time to pull the plug,
my grave is already being dug.
Never made out any kind of will,
left my family with one hell of a bill.
It was one hell of a viewing,
the after life, I am now pursuing.
I now live as a friendly ghost,
cloud nine is my new command post.
Other lives, I now control,
when you die, I take your soul.
I put you in a better place,
outside of this evil human race.
When you die, its just your time,
I make it easier for the stairway to climb.
There is no preventing of your untimely death,
I make it easy to take your last breath.
I watch as you die,
family and friends, you can see cry.
Heaven sent me as an angel,
I make your death, a little less painful.
When you die, its for a reason,
unfortunately death is always in season.
If you happen to die as a bad person,
Hell you’re going and that is certain.
If that’s the case, its the highway for you,
you the Devil will now pursue.
Whenever your day has finally come,
up here the grass is always green,
and I have a magical green thumb.

I like to kiss, I like to cuddle,
in a bed or in a mud puddle.
I like to walk, I like to drive,
I will get there when I arrive.
I like to drink, I like to smoke,
put them together and your license they revoke.
I like to laugh, I like to smile,
its nice to have fun every once in a while.
I like movies, I like television,
what to watch is a tough decision.
I like metal, I like rock,
anything else is just a crock.
I like to read, I like to write,
to all my critics, please be polite.
I like pasta, I like steak,
for dessert, I like cheese cake.
I like sarcasm, I like satire,
I don’t even mind being a liar.
I like people, I like places,
hard to believe we’re actually in outer spaces.
I like rummy, I like uno,
never lost at tic tac toe.
I like the Phillies, I like the WWE,
its fun to watch on my big screen tv.
I like pizza, I like subs,
after eating I go to the clubs.
I like rubs, I like massages,
in a parlor or in garages.
I like thunder, I like rain,
getting struck by lightning will cause pain.
I like nudity, I like porn,
do clothes really need to be worn.
I like crabbing, I like fishing,
doing it everyday is wishful thinking.
I like competition, I like contending,
who really won is still pending.
I like coming, I like going,
your minds I like blowing.
I like weird, I like strange,
no need to ever make a change.
I like swimming, I like the beach,
your bikini I can’t quite reach.
I like fast, I like slow,
and now its time for me to go.

There is agony, there is pain,
it drives you mad, it drives you insane.
There is lightning, there is thunder,
some like Batman, some like the Boy Wonder.
I’ve seen birth, I’ve seen death,
without oxygen, there would be no breath.
I like foreplay, I like sex,
sometimes I drive while I text.
Been called a fool, been called a flake,
some people just need to give me a break.
I am smart, I am wise,
give me a chance and I will surprise.
Hate being sad, love being happy,
I love Scooby, I hate Scrappy.
I’ve been poked, I’ve been stabbed,
never kidnapped, but i have been grabbed.
Don’t believe in heaven, don’t believe in hell,
on that subject, I don’t dwell.
Sometimes we cry, sometimes we laugh,
that’s a fact, no need for a graph.
Some like Tom, some like Jerry,
everyone says my ass is hairy.
I hate country, I love rock,
Foghorn Leghorn and his chicken hawk.
Some you want to leave, some you want to stay,
today is tomorrows yesterday.
Been to a safari, been to a zoo,
never did find Dumbo or Winnie the Pooh.
Some like Stalin, some like Hitler,
what made them so damn bitter.
Some people like movies, some like sports,
some people spend their life in jail and courts.
I like women, I like girls,
the youngest one in curls.
Done all sorts of crazy drugs,
I love beer in ice cold mugs.
Been in a boat, been in a canoe,
its up shits creek for me and you,
With no paddle, with no oar,
sometimes I wonder, what’s this life for.
Swam in a lake, swam in an ocean,
Facebook is nothing more than self promotion.
I’ve been loved, I’ve been hated,
every topic can be easily debated.
Some people die way to young,
the living we are among.
Did everything that can be done,
now I’m living just to have fun.
Some like roses, some like amaryllis,
what you talking about Willis.

Some people have power,
some people smell bad,
and need a hot shower.
Some people are rich,
some people are mean,
and need to be slapped like a bitch.
Some men are pigs,
some men are cool,
and come with giant twigs.
Some girls are smoking hot,
some girls are pure evil,
and when they pee, they have to squat.
Some kids are spoiled brats,
some kids are pure angels,
and beat their parents with bats.
Some people take to much drugs,
some people are clear clean and sober,
and for fun like to eat bugs.
Some people drink whiskey,
some people drink beer,
and when drunk get a bit frisky.
Some men are lazy,
some men are cocky,
and dead ones push up a daisy.
Some girls are strippers,
some girls are beauticians,
and love to use their clippers.
Some kids play sports,
some kids play video games,
and some have to many warts.
Some people are old,
some people are young,
and have secrets never to be told.
Some people are fast,
some people are slow,
and easily they get passed.
Some men have jobs,
some men are unemployed,
and become bored slobs.
Some girls are pretty cool,
some girls are sluts,
and in bikinis men drool.
Some kids are smart,
some kids are dumb,
and they all laugh when they fart.
Some people believe in god,
some people believe in science,
and all of us are a somehow flawed.
Some people must say good-bye,
some people have to go,
and please do not cry.

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms,
you took pictures at our senior proms.
Even when you beat us,
and sent us to our room,
how we use to wish,
you’d fly away on a broom.
You took us the movies,
you took us the the stores,
oh how we hated you,
for making us do the chores.
Even though you told me,
that my dad was dead,
only to find out, he’s in prison,
and his first name is Fred.
You buy us lots of gifts,
we loved all the cool toys,
every night in your room,
you sure made a lot of noise.
You took us to six flags,
you took us on the scariest ride,
why were you always a brides maid,
and never once were you the bride.
Some moms dated doctors,
some moms dated cooks,
my mom only dated assholes and crooks.
You will always love us, no matter what,
even though you were a sneaky slut.
You were always there,
when we needed a hug,
you introduced me to my first drug.
You came to all the practices,
you came to all the games,
we love to get you so mad,
that you call us different names.
You took us to the park,
you took us to the beach,
I am still mad at you,
for making me drink that bleach.
Happy Mothers Day, 
I hope all your kids still love you,
if they don’t, what the hell did they do.
Moms are the best,
moms are so great,
even though you beat me bad,
when I was only eight.
Moms are there to cook you dinner,
years ago you were much thinner.
I sent you a card,
I gave you a call,
you taught us to walk,
when we could only crawl.
On this Mothers Day,
I’m here to say one thing,
pick up your damn phone,
and give your mom a ring.
She might have been mean,
or one time a whore,
but for not having a dad,
its you I will always adore.
Happy Mothers Day to my mom,
its you I will always love,
and on this special day,
its only you I’m thinking of.

I want a new dog,
one that does what it should,
like chase a stick that’s made of wood.
I want a new dog,
not one that licks my face,
mans best friend is not the case.
I want a new dog,
one that can teach me how to lick my balls,
and stop pissing all over my walls.
One that can wipe its own ass,
and stop having such smelly gas.
I want a new dog,
one I don’t always have to pet,
its twelve years old and not dead yet.
Find one that can get a job,
maybe neighbors it can rob.
I want a new dog,
one that don’t ever bark,
and never wants to go to the park.
One I never have to walk,
maybe I can teach it how to talk.
I want a new dog,
one that don’t ever shit on my floor,
maybe I can teach it how to open a door.
Maybe I should have it put to sleep,
then in my back yard bury it very deep.
I know this sounds kinda mean,
but I can’t afford all its vaccine.
I want a new dog,
maybe one I can breed,
extra money, I can surely need.
On my furniture it likes to shed,
I wont miss it when its dead.
I want a new dog,
one I can show some tricks,
tired of always picking off all its ticks.
One that doesn’t have any fleas,
this damn dog has an incurable disease.
I want a new dog,
and that is that,
maybe instead I’ll get a damn cat.
My dog has finally died,
and yes I even cried.
I want a new dog,
maybe I’ll call it Spot
maybe I’ll call it Mott.
Nothing like a brand new pup,
just hoping the old one it don’t dig up.
I got a new dog,
it can jump higher than a frog.
Dog spelled backwards is god,
That’s why i named my new dog Todd.

Playing wiffle ball in the park,
all the way til it was dark.
Played kick ball in the street,
all the neighborhood kids would meet.
Played tag and hide and go seek,
all those games are so antique.
Kids today just play with video games,
they don’t even know each others names.
Be right back, I have to pee,
now I’m back as you can see.
We had five channels and no cable,
playing cards at the kitchen table.
There was no Nintendo, XBox or Playstation,
have kids ever heard of a conversation.
We never worried about getting abducted,
always doing what our parents instructed.
Be right back, I have to shit,
I’m back after my toilet bowl sit.
We had no computers or cell phones,
never cried if we broke some bones.
Used to love to ride my bike,
it was once legal to hitch hike.
Begging our parents, just for a ride,
today to many parents let there kids slide.
Be right back, I forgot to wipe,
up my back is now a brown stripe.
Going now to take a shower,
my body I gave myself a good scour.
Now its time to digress,
kids today cause to much stress.
I remember getting grounded for numerous days,
over all, kids always find away to amaze.
When I was young, our parents would beat us,
today that would cause to much of a fuss.
Kids today need a bit more discipline,
not just a time out with a bun filled with cinnamon.
Moms and dads do their best,
up to the kids to do the rest.
You must beg and bribe,
to get them to do chores,
and hope your kids,
don’t become hooligans and whores.
We had to do whatever our parents said,
kids today can’t even put peanut butter on bread,
I must go now, I have to puke,
I’m back, out of my mouth, I shot out of a nuke.
I love my kids no matter what,
sometimes I wish I could beat their butt.
The kids today have not one clue,
how much us parents do for you.
Well its time for me to go to sleep,
tomorrow I will teach them how to sweep.
Sorry about taking so many breaks,
not my fault, I had bad stomach aches